Chapter 003: Picking His Ears While Sitting on His Shoulders

"Go, go, go! Get to work, now!"
Grandpa saw me glance back and immediately came out to shoo me away.
"But Grandpa, what about those two—"
"Go, go, go. The sooner you leave, the sooner you’ll return."
With a bang, the front door shut tightly. Thinking it over, it made sense that Li Xuan’s parents would come.
Our family’s reputation in the funeral business here is well established. Now that they’re sending off a child before their own time, it’s only natural for them to choose us.
Though I was still curious about the ‘he’ Li Xuan’s father mentioned.
Judging by Grandpa’s attitude, he was never going to tell me.
Forget it. No use dwelling on it. I glanced at the clock: eight thirty in the evening.
I decided to walk the five kilometers to Principal Liu’s house, so I wouldn’t arrive too early and get irritated by his presence.
Slipping on my Bluetooth earphones and setting up the navigation, I slung my backpack over one shoulder, one hand in my pocket and the other holding a black umbrella, strolling through the familiar rain-soaked streets.
I’m eighteen this year, and this isn’t my first time helping out with the family business.
Since I turned fifteen, Grandpa handled all the funerals, but when it came to exorcisms and banishing evil, that was left to me.
He called it a chance for me to toughen up, but in reality, he was just getting lazy.
Heaven Lake Scenic Bay, an upscale neighborhood by our city’s landmark lake, Ping Tian Lake.
As I arrived at the gates, I saw Principal Liu standing under the entrance, dodging the rain and rubbing his hands while pacing anxiously.
The moment he saw me ambling over, he waved. “Jiang Huai! Over here, over here! What took you so long?”
I was about to answer when I noticed a child with a dark face and blue skin crawl out from behind him, slowly climbing onto his head and blocking Principal Liu’s nostrils with its hands.
Principal Liu sniffed twice, but the air wouldn’t pass, so he had to open his mouth to breathe.
The child seemed quite satisfied, oblivious to my gaze, greedily sucking in the breath Principal Liu exhaled.
If left alone, at this rate, Principal Liu wouldn’t survive the night.
“Squat down.”
“Huh?”
Though confused, Principal Liu did as I said.
I bent over, scooped up some black mud softened by the rain, and slapped it right on top of his head.
“Aah!”
“Aaah!”
Both Principal Liu and the ghostly child on his head shrieked simultaneously.
“Jiang Huai! What are you doing!”

The ghost child slid from Principal Liu’s head to his shoulder, baring its teeth at me in a silent snarl.
Those two sharp fangs, two centimeters long—just as my classmates described the dead child Li Xuan had given birth to.
I shot the ghost child an unimpressed look, though Principal Liu thought my glare was meant for him.
He was, after all, a principal. “Jiang Huai, who taught you this! How dare you roll your eyes at a teacher!”
I shook my head helplessly, pointing at his face. “Principal Liu, do you feel your nose clearing up now? Breathing easier?”
He paused, tried taking a breath, and looked at me in surprise.
I grinned and continued, “That dead child was on your head, feeding on your life force. This rootless mud is filthy stuff; it can’t hurt it, but it disgusts it enough to keep it off you.”
Principal Liu’s face turned ashen. “So, so now…?”
“It’s sitting on your left shoulder, picking at your ear. Isn’t your left ear feeling a bit deaf?”
Hearing this, Principal Liu dropped to a squat without any concern for decorum, smearing the black mud all over himself—on his clothes, his face, anywhere he could reach, leaving nothing untouched.
“Jiang Huai, is it… is it still here?”
I shook my head. “It’s gone.”
Just as he sighed in relief, I glanced toward the neighborhood. “Most likely, it’s gone home. Your home.”
At these words, Principal Liu shuddered involuntarily.
He fished his house keys from his pocket and handed them to me. “Jiang Huai, I live in Building 14, Apartment 501.”
I didn’t take the keys but smiled at him. “Principal Liu, if you’re not present, I can’t do anything.”
Speechless, Principal Liu could only suppress his fear and lead me back.
It wasn’t a short walk to his apartment, and his mud-stained appearance drew plenty of concerned glances from the neighbors.
Back home, Principal Liu heaved a sigh of relief and reached for a towel to wipe his face.
I kindly reminded him, “Principal Liu, there’s no rootless mud at home.”
He quickly put the towel down, offering me an awkward smile.
I ignored him and didn’t venture further inside. Instead, I set down my backpack, taking out an incense burner just a bit larger than my fist, and a handful of incense sticks.
“Hold it on your head, steady now, don’t let it fall.”
Though puzzled, Principal Liu did as he was told. “Jiang Huai, what’s this for?”
“Kneel.”
He looked at me in disbelief. “Jiang Huai! This is personal revenge! I’m telling your grandfather!”
“Come on, Principal Liu, even if you told the Jade Emperor himself, you’d still have to kneel.”
Feigning seriousness, I said, “You’re not kneeling to me. Well, never mind, you wouldn’t understand even if I explained. Face west, kneel down, and kowtow five times.”

Seeing Principal Liu hesitate, I added, “This is to save your life.”
He dared not protest further and did as I said.
Watching him, I couldn’t help feeling a petty satisfaction: serves you right for yelling at me and Grandpa in your office!
As Grandpa would say, this was a classic case of a petty man getting his revenge.
With my anger spent, it was time for business.
I took an incense stick, lit it, and inserted it into the burner on Principal Liu’s head.
“Remember, don’t move, don’t look back. Change the incense every hour yourself, but whatever you do, don’t let the burner leave your head.”
He asked, eyes straight ahead, “Jiang Huai, can I get up?”
“Up to you. If you’re not afraid, you can even sit.”
I meant nothing else by it, just being honest, but Principal Liu insisted on kneeling, which was no concern of mine.
Standing behind him, I took a yellow talisman from my pocket.
It bore not a complex spell but just six bold characters: ‘The Three Immortal Lords Are Here!’
The Three Immortal Lords are the founding deities of Maoshan; I won’t dwell on the details, but those interested can look them up.
These six characters were written in my own virginal blood, brimming with vital yang energy.
I stuck it to the back of Principal Liu’s head, and with the incense burner atop, turned him into a temporary Maoshan altar, so that neither the dead child nor Li Xuan’s restless spirit could approach him.
Then I took a straw doll, just a bit larger than my palm, from my backpack.
I held it to Principal Liu’s mouth. “Bite your tongue and spit some blood on it.”
He’d knelt this long, so he stopped asking questions.
Maybe nerves got the better of him; he bit a bit too hard, and after spitting blood onto the doll, his mouth was full of it.
“All right, Principal Liu. No matter what happens next, stay put. Don’t move, don’t listen, don’t look, don’t ask, and don’t make a sound!”
As soon as I finished speaking—
There was a sharp crack!
Every lightbulb in the house exploded, glass scattering across the floor!
From the innermost room came a chilling, hair-raising cackle.
“Kekeke…”